Everyone in my immediate circle knows that I have a love/hate relationship with Umami Burger. The mere mention of its name makes my face furrow with distain and scorn.
The first time I tried
the Umami burger it was very much like burger love. Perfection between two pieces of lettuce (I am gluten free) The juicy stewed tomato, the crispy Parmesan disk and slimy mushroom, heaven for anyone who marvels in food texture as much as layering of flavor. Umami, I recommend you to many friends and visitors, but now we have to break up because you are just too much work.
Umami burger is like that episode of Seinfield, you know the one, with the Soup Nazi. I must stand here when I order, I must order exactly this way, I must not make eye contact, I must have exact change. I have to go through similar lengths when ordering a to go order from Umami
Case study one:
I had just moved into my new apartment and was celebrating my move and turned to my roommate and said:
"oh my god, have you tried Umami burger, it is fan-fucking-tastic"
She said no.
So we walked there and decided to take food to the bar down the street. We decided to share two burgers, the Umami and the Truffle burger.
"Can we have it without buns, wrapped in lettuce?"
"Umami doesn't wrap in lettuce'
"I've had it before" I replied and his side kick at the counter confirmed that Umami did in fact wrap in lettuce.
"Can we have it cut in half?"
"Umami doesn't cut in half"
"Oh, can you put paper plates in the bag?"
You probably know what they said next....
Case study 2:
We were meeting friends at a bar on a Thursday night and decided again to order from Umami and pick up. Running late we decided to call ahead, like most restaurant will let you do. I called, I ordered and as he was repeating my order I hear whispering and then...
"We are not taking phone orders right now"
"but I just put in my order"
"We will not be taking orders for another 20 minutes"
So I waited 20 minutes and called as we were walking out the door.
"Umami will not be taking phone orders for 45 minutes"
"I'll be there in 5 minutes" was my reply.
So we ordered, were then immediately ordered to stand outside, so we left went to the bar, waited went back to pick up our burgers and went back to the bar.
At this point I have begun to make fun of the Umami snobbery. "Umami won't do this, Umami won't do that, Umami only refers to itself in the 3rd person, if they were to re-make LA Story Umami Burger would be the snobby restaurant that the main character cannot get into and of course NO BURGER FOR YOU!!
Case study 3:
I was helping friends move last weekend. They were helping me find an option to gluteny pizza and I had asked if they had ever tried Umami burger since they were now living so close. The way I described it made their mouth water, but I also warned that they are snobs, but the burger is worth the pain.
So after running a post move Target run we went to pick up pizza for the men and were going to order meat for the ladies. We ordered the pizza and I called to order our burgers.
"Umami doesn't take phone orders on the weekends"
This time I actually hung up on them.
So we drove from La Brea and Beverly to La Brea and 9th.
I marched in there and said:"Is Umami taking to go orders if I am right in front of you?"
"Yes, but we do not take phone orders on the weekend"
I ordered
Drove back to pick up the pizzas on Beverly
Picked up Umami and drove two blocks to my friend's new apartment.
Such a waste of time and so much work, plus they gave my pregnant friend the raw burger and mine was well done. At least if you are going to be snobby, get it right.
Umami, it is over between us and....
Its not me it's you.
